To Whom It May Concern
For some considerable time, I have been living with a feeling that I can only describe as a candle going out inside.
The past couple of years, I have tried numerous things to alleviate this persistent melancholy, which has included moving to a different county, studying various courses, meditation, getting my driving license, changing jobs, regular exercise, dietary changes, vitamin supplements and yet nothing seems to help.
Every day feels like dragging around a giant rock. My body aches to the erosion of time.
I feel frayed and worn, and no longer dream.
I’m so tired; all I want to do is sleep.
When I do sleep, I have mostly nightmares born from bruises embedded deep within.
I feel utterly alone. When I say ‘alone,’ I feel lonely around other people.
Love is alien.
I have lost interest in things I used to enjoy. I want nothing to do with the world.
I read and study in solitude yet could not tell you what I have learned.
I struggle to concentrate, my head is mostly in a fog, and I feel awful about my inability to retain information.
I feel like my mind does not work properly and that others look upon me as stupid, which is how I see myself.
I feel so much guilt and anger inside and I don’t know why. Everything pisses me off.
I feel a strong urge to harm myself. Most recently, I gave myself a black eye upon feeling the need to smash my fucking face in.
I am tired of failing in a life without purpose in a world that is empty, fake and meaningless perpetually at war.
I do not see a future in a culture of death, drunk on the pre-packaged merriness of phoney smiles.
It bewilders me to find such an existence can be seen as something to aspire to.
I previously tried medication and therapy; I learned neither have anything to do with health and well-being.
I have come to the conclusion there is no help and there is no point.
Dark clouds have amassed within; light has faded beyond the horizon.
___________ _____
24-25 December 2023
© Percival Alexander